Tag: depression

A letter to my bed

Dear Bed,

First of all I want to start this letter with an apology for all the times I snubbed you as a child and teenager, back when I used to think that sleep and going to bed was just something that kept me away from all the other things I was supposed to be doing. I never understood how people could sleep for 12 hours-straight.

Oh, how things have changed, especially over the last three years.

You see, I’ve gone from being that person I described above to being a person who loves her bed, and not just for the sleep either, even if six-hours a night became eight, then nine, and sometimes 12. Sometimes there are naps, too. Some of them I crave, others happen by accident. Sometimes I crawl into you with no intention of sleeping. Sometimes I just want the comfort of your sheets.

It is you I turn to on the days when the world feels hazy and hard and I want to put things on pause for a while. You are the vantage point that helps life seem manageable on days when I feel sadder than I can explain, or so anxious that moving requires more physical and mental energy than I can muster because my worries sap it all up.

I have done some of my best writing with you. I have done some of my worst writing with you.

I judge myself so very hard for the amount of time I spend in you now, and I don’t doubt that some others will too. I just wanted to say that I appreciate you now so much more than I ever thought I would.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Love,

Nic

Thank you so much

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write a thank you post to all of you for your lovely comments and messages of support on my last post, and on the YouTube video I’d made along the same lines about a week before.

I’ll admit that when I wrote my last post I was feeling really quite down and I did it mostly because I wanted to feel like I was doing something productive, even though I actually spent all of that day in my PJs, drifting in and out of sleep and watching anime. I wasn’t even going to post it, but my boyfriend said he thought I should. I’m really glad he encouraged me to do that.

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An emotional low

Over this past week or so I’ve hit a real emotion low and I don’t mind telling you that it’s been hard. Very hard.

There’s been a couple of things at play that have contributed to this. Some of it is thanks to the fact that I’m feeling quite hormonal (not that you wanted to know), but as I’ve also told you before, my cerebral palsy and my period do not get on. It makes my legs ache right down to the bones and during that time I also feeling a lot stiffer. That doesn’t exactly boost my mood either.

Other factors are that it feels like everyone around me is moving forward in their lives while I’m stuck. Job hunting is not going well, and the things I’m finding to apply for are either in areas that I can’t afford to live in, or are in areas that would possibly be too hard for me to live independently in geographically, because they’re very hilly or not easy to get around. I would probably still go for the jobs in these areas though and look into getting a powered wheelchair, although this isn’t really something I want to do. More on that in a separate post.

Continue reading “An emotional low” →

Morning Bliss

I know what you’re thinking, Nic, we get it, you’re not a morning person, but  one of the main reasons I don’t like mornings is because I never know what I’m going to wake up to, both on a cerebral palsy level and on a mental health-y kind of level.

Thanks to my CP, there’s not a day that goes by where something doesn’t hurt or ache, and for the most part it’s fine and I can deal with it. Lately though my bad CP days have been getting more and more frequent, and happening for more consecutive days.

Just lately I’ve been having a lot of problems with the bottom of my back and my neck to the point where I haven’t really felt like doing much during the day, and it’s been keeping me up at night. Needless to say that means I have no idea just how bad something will be when I wake up.

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Rediscovering my motivation

It feels like things are changing here in NicLand, and that is most definitely a good thing.

It’s now been three years since I finished my multimedia journalism degree and a lot has happened to me since then. When I graduated I felt mentally and physically stronger than I had ever done. I could walk further and do more for myself than I had been able to in the past, and my anxiety and low moods weren’t impacting on me anywhere near as much as they had done when I was studying for my A-levels and in my first year at uni. Yes, I was scared about what the future might hold, but more than anything, I was excited.

Fast forward two years and the story became very different. Even though I’d done work experience, an internship and a bit of freelance work, I still hadn’t found a fulltime job. I wasn’t getting out much during the week because everyone around me had jobs, and that meant that I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I spent far more time focusing on my worries, my anxieties and everything and my OCD-like thoughts about germs. I started showering up to three times a day and changing my clothes, worrying that they would have germs on them that would infect the house. I spent a lot of time crying and not a lot of time sleeping. To put it bluntly, I was a mess.

Continue reading “Rediscovering my motivation” →