Being Honest with Myself About My Mental Health – again

Okay, I need to confess a few things.  Mental health things.

If you’ve been hanging around this blog or my YouTube channel for a while, you know I have problems with anxiety, my ‘mood’ (doctors don’t seem to like using the word ‘depression’ these days, it seems) and what I like to call OCD-type tendencies. By this I mean that I wash my hands a lot, change my clothes a lot, worry constantly about germs and sometimes, I even babywipe my clothes WHILE I’M STILL WEARING THEM.

I’ve had therapy on and off for a lot of my life, and have been on pills for a couple of years now. Things were okay for a while. I was almost considering coming off said pills, and then things went downhill. Of course, I should have done something about this as soon as I started slipping but I didn’t.

I tried my best to ignore it, not wanting to admit that I was ‘back here again’ as I describe it to people, but as I stood in the bathroom a couple of weeks ago, wet-wipping my jeans so that I wouldn’t get bathroom germs around the rest of the house, I knew I had to do something. It hit me that I couldn’t remember the last time I hadn’t felt like an emotional wreck, couldn’t remember the last time I felt like something wasn’t a bit broken in my brain, and couldn’t remember the last time I’d woken up feeling content.

I told myself that I’d sleep more because that would make everything better, only it turned out that the more I slept the more of a failure I felt, then the more of a failure I felt, the harder it got to get out of bed, and the more the thought of having to change out of my PJs and into ‘real clothes’ to face the ‘real world’ filled me with dread.

One day I just sent my mum a text while she was at work. I hadn’t been planning on it and felt guilty, but she told me to go to the doctor too. As much as I didn’t want to, I forced myself to do it. He’s doubled my dosage of my pills and is sending me back for CBT.

As much as I hate that I’m ‘back here again’, I need to admit it, and get on with trying to overcome this.


Life Update September 2016

Oh my gosh I’m not gonna lie, I actually have no idea where to start with this post. There has been so much going on lately. I think I’m just going to break everything down into sections, or as best as you can with a life update anyway, and hope that it makes sense.

Cerebral Palsy Stuff

This is the most obvious place for me to start, but it’s probably the hardest.

I’ve been having a pretty bad CP month to be honest. I tried to do what I said I was going to do in my last blog and exercise more to try make myself feel better. I feel like it made things worse and didn’t really help with my aches and pains. Things have been a bit better over the last couple of days even though I’m full of cold. I’m hoping I can take this as a good sign because being ill usually makes bad CP days seem even worse. I’ve decided that I’m not going to push things too hard until I’m better, and then I’ll just have to see what happens.

Writing Stuff

Writing and editing is still happening. Even though I’m working on a massive edit of one of my novel projects I’m still trying to write long form here and there too. The editing is taking up lots of time and energy, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end.

I’ve recently got into watching slam poetry videos on YouTube, and I’ve decided that it might be nice to try enter one myself next year. I’ve not written slam poetry before, but I’ve been practicing and I’m enjoying it. Hopefully, I’ll write something I like enough to post on YouTube soon.

YouTube Stuff

I haven’t uploaded on YT in a while, but I have been going back through my old videos and starting to add subtitles. It’s going to take ages, to get through them all, but I will do eventually.

I think that’s it for now, how’s everything with you guys?

I just couldn’t go any faster

Yesterday was weird. It was weird for so many reasons, but rather than go into all the reasons why here I’m just going to talk about it from a cerebral palsy point of view. And yes, I am aware that the idea of having a ‘weird’ CP day, (as opposed to, ya’know, a bad one), is a pretty weird thing in itself.


Long story short yesterday involved quite a bit more walking than I’ve probably had to do in a while. I don’t feel like I’ve done anywhere near enough of the stuff lately, which is a whole other blog post in itself.

In truth, it was nowhere the most walking I’ve done in a day, and it didn’t even make me that tired (score!) but at the end of the end I wanted to walk quickly to so that I could catch my bus without having to wait a whole hour for the next one.

Well, I tried to up my pace, but I just couldn’t.

I felt like I was doing all the right things to speed up, but my legs just would not go any faster no matter what I did. Now, don’t get me wrong, moving fast under any circumstances other than a spider landing on my head just doesn’t happen when you’re me. I know that I walk really slowly compared to the average able-bodied person, but I can push myself to go a bit beyond my natural pace when I want to.

Yes, I had done a lot of walking, but I hadn’t pushed myself that hard. I’d taken it slowly, on purpose. I felt tired in a way that I could do with a nap, but not in a my-legs-might-just-be-about to drop off way.

I’m not sure what was going on. Have any of you felt anything like this before? I don’t know if it’s because my fitness levels have dropped, or because my bag was really, really heavy. Maybe it’s just because I’m getting older. I just don’t know. I’m trying not to worry about this too much. If anything, I need to use it as motivation to get more exercise.

On a more light-hearted note, I made a video the other day at 5am when I couldn’t sleep. Some of you might enjoy it as it’s about writing, some of you might not. Either way, I’ll leave it here it case you want to watch it:


Thanks for listening,

Nic xx


So. Many. Things

I miss this blog. I miss you guys. I miss the days when I updated three times a week. I miss the days when when uploading to my YouTube channel was a weekly thing at least, but there’s just so much going on right now. So many things. I haven’t even had chance to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child yet!

Annnywaaay, the main bulk of it can be explained I guess by watching this video that I made, which I may or  may not have shared on here, I don’t even remember any more TBH. But yeah, this will probably explain a lot:


Work on this project is still ongoing and probably will be for ages. It’s taking up most of my brain power, and what little I have left is spent reading the huge pile of library books that only seems to be growing as more and more of my reservations turn up, and binge-watching Gilmore Girls. Hopefully I’ll be back more regularly soon, but for now, I hope you’ll stick with me.

In terms of how I’m doing Cerebral Palsy wise, I’ll update you all soon, probably by doing a video so that I can keep everyone on YouTube and this blog updated at once. Things have been a bit up and down, I guess. That’s all I’ll say for now. My back is not exactly my best friend at the moment, but some good things have come out of having to deal with a lot of back pain too.  I’ll explain what I mean soon, or hopefully before too long anyway.

I hope you guys are doing okay.

Thanks for being patient

Nic xx

The wind around my knees

If you’ve ever watched this video I made about learning to love my body a little while ago, then you’ll remember that I really hate showing my legs, in public and at home, if I’m being honest.

During last year’s heatwave, (which probably lasted about three days to be fair), I did leave the house in shorts without tights, but I don’t mind admitting that I stood in front of my wardrobe and cried beforehand because I was so nervous about it.

Fast-forward to 2016 and this year’s heatwave (which has been going on for a week so far!) is even hotter last year and I decided that I was going to wear my denim shorts and try not feel bad about it.

I was so surprised when I actually managed not to get so anxious that I cried (yes!). but what surprised me most of all was that I loved the feeling of the breeze about my knees. It was so refreshing and so strange because I’m just not used to it at all. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not been so nice that I want to do it all the time, but still.

This is going to sound really stupid but I’m proud of myself.

Maybe I don’t need to be so scared of not wearing tights?