Yet again I’ve found myself getting on my Twitter soapbox about why attitudes towards disability and sex need to change.
You’re probably all bored of me talking about this by now, but if you’re not, you can head on over to my profile to see the whole thread of tweets I made. Here’s the first one for you:
Believe it or not, I’m actually sick of talking about this too. I’ve mentioned it on this blog and I’ve even blogged about it for the charity Scope too. Yes, my mother read it and no, I’m not embarrassed. My dad chose not to read it, but if he had, I still wouldn’t have been embarrassed because why should I be?
Rob and I were together for 10 years and it took me a long time to stop feeling like I was doing something ‘bad’ by having a physical relationship with him .
(Yes, things are rocky right now, but we’re working on them and we’re in a good place. That’s an update for another time. Maybe.)
I spent far too much of my teenage years feeling ashamed, afraid and embarrassed. In fact, I used to wish that I wasn’t attracted to anyone, either sexually or romantically, because of society’s attitudes towards sex and disability. I felt like it was somehow wrong of me because I was always made to sex and relationships weren’t supposed to be for
But I’ll keep talking about it until we manage to end the stigma, because we will. One day.
Well everyone, after almost a year of full-time employment in digital communications I’m back on the job hunt again. My contract with my current employer has always been fixed-term.
My initial contract was only supposed to be for six months at first, but, by the time it ends on the last day of December, I’ll have been there (as a paid member of staff) for just two weeks shy of a whole year. I’ve actually been there a little long than that though, because I started as a volunteer before that.
I’m trying my best to to freak out too much. This time last year I was in my fifth year of unemployment after graduation, the BBC documentary that I took part in (Employable Me) hadn’t aired yet, and I was in a very strange kind of limbo between knowing that it wouldn’t be far away. My depression was so bad that I found it difficult to bring myself to get dressed every day.
Things have changed so much and I’ve mentally come a long, long way. I like to think I’m good at what I do (mostly social media-based things), and it turns out that I’ve become pretty confident at writing analytics reports, which is something I never thought I’d say. The sight of numbers usually makes my brain cry, so I’m actually, if I can be very un-British for a minute, pretty proud of myself.
There. I said it.
So yes, I’m back on the job hunt. I’m hoping it will be a bit easier this time around, now that I’ll have a year’s worth of experience under my belt.
Wish me luck,
Rob and I broke up.
There, I said it.
I’ve actually been meaning to say it for the last couple of months but I haven’t known how. I’ve been hiding from it, and So, I’ve been hiding from this blog, and, I suppose, all of you. I haven’t wanted to carry on as if nothing had changed, because that didn’t seem fair, but neither did writing about it as soon as it happened. Which is, of course, what I really wanted to do.
Really, what it comes down to is:
1: Yes, he broke up with me
2: No, I didn’t see it coming
3: Yes, we’re trying to stay friends.
4: And Yes, it’s really flipping difficult
So that is where I am right now, but it’ll be okay. I got a new walking frame last week (new name to be revealed soon) and I have Botox in my legs again next week.
The world is still spinning and I’m still here. I’m not thinking about dating yet, other than thinking about how I never actually want to think about it, let alone do it.
Here’s to a more regular updates from now on, if I can stay awake long enough.
(Turns out working full time and commuting around 3 hours a day is also really flipping difficult!)
This morning I woke up to a comment on one of my YouTube videos informing me that Employable Me is currently showing on TV in the Netherlands! Then, when I got home from work, I saw that people had e-mail this blog’s e-mail address to send their good wishes too.
If you’re here from the Netherland, Hallo and dank je for taking the time to reach out to me. (I don’t speak dutch, so I’m going to trust that Google Translate is accurate. Sorry if I actually just offended you!)
It’s all a bit surreal. I always knew there was a possibility that something like this could happen, I just really didn’t think it would. Or I didn’t think anyone would be interested enough to track me down online to tell me, although I’m very glad you did.
This is what Employable Me is all about; spreading the message as far as possible that disabled people can, and do, have jobs. It doesn’t matter where in the world you are, with the right support, it will be possible.
Thank you for taking the time to watch the show and allowing me to share my journey with you.
Love, Nic (and my blue walking frame, called Ivy)
Something exciting happened to me this week!
My new, made to measure work chair that was recommended on the back of my Access to Work office assessment finally arrived at my office, complete with a beast of a footrest that moves up and down as my feet do.
This might not sound very exciting to you, but it was for me and all of colleagues. We were all hoping it would reduce my pain, and you know what – it has. Way more than I dared to hope it would.
I would say my hip pain levels have improved by 80% across the board, by which I mean not only while I’m actually at work. I’ve been in a lot less pain in the evenings and on my commute too!
My back pain is also much better during work hours, and I haven’t felt like I am going to spasm and spring out of the chair once yet. I know it’s only been four working days, but I am so happy and grateful to my employer for investing in me like this that I could cry.
Today is the first day in a long time I’ve had a decent chunk to time to work on that pesky little work-in-progress novel I’ve been chipping away at for about…five years (maybe). I should be doing that, but I’m procrastinating, so I’m working on this post instead.
I actually opened the file long enough to delete the final two thirds of it a couple of weeks back. I’ve wanted to do that for a long, long time. I was just putting it off because my first draft was complete, but then I realised there’s no point hanging onto a complete draft you don’t like it any more. That, and I like to think I could write it so much better if I start from scratch.
It’s such a big task that I’m actually a bit scared to start it, partly I guess because I don’t actually know where to start.
I’m fairly happy with the opening third (for now) so that’s staying as it is. I still know what I want it to end, I just want the rest of the the stuff in the middle to change.
If any of you have any motivation tips, or just want to keep nudging me to actually try and finish the thing so that I can maybe try and get it out into the world one day, I’d appreciate it.
It’s 1am and here I am, unable to sleep for what must be the third time this week.
I have no idea what’s keeping me awake tonight. One night, it was feelings of ‘What am I doing with my life?’ another time it was because I wanted to write. Last night pain decided to climb into bed with me and make getting comfortable impossible, but today…
It’s been one of those weird days today, where I haven’t felt unwell exactly, but I’ve not been myself either. I could tell things would be like that as soon as I woke up because I felt anxious to my tummy. All churn-y and whatnot.
I’d already planned to work from home, which was probably a blessing. I sort of feel like I’ve been in a daze all day; not down the grey pit of depression, but not fully engaged with life either.
I suppose I’m probably just over tired. I think I should try sleep now. I hope i can. I’m sure things will feel better in the morning…