The things I haven’t told you yet…

I have been writing View From a Walking Frame for over a year and a half now and sharing things about my life with cerebral palsy.

However, I also have other things that have been going on, some of them since childhood, and today I want to tell you about those, and this means that I want to be honest with all of you and tell you that, for the last year I have been taking antidepressants to help me deal with anxiety, low mood, and other things such as feeling the need to wash my hands all the time.

For me, my constant worrying and feeling anxious started when I was about eight or nine I think, and before long they were stopping me sleeping at night and crept their way into other parts of my life too.

I worried that I would be sick if I ate too much food, and also worried that I would make myself ill from contamination of germs and quickly became afraid of touching things, including the walls inside my own house. If I did touch them, I went and washed my hands a few times.

I had counseling and CBT for these kinds of issues and-and-off since I was about 12 and the reason I’ve finally decided that I want to tell you all about them today is because I don’t want to hide it anymore. I don’t want to feel like it’s something to be kept secret, and, I hope that by being honest with all of you, it might help someone feel less alone if they are going through the same thing.

The reason that I’ve picked today to open up is because this week has been a really difficult one for me, and the months of Feburary and March are always difficult times for me. Getting out of bed and being around other people has been very hard this week because my mood has been so low, and my friends and my family have been amazing in helping me through it.

I haven’t updated my blog in a week and that has been hard too. I’ve felt guilty about this. I love writing my blog and love talking to all of you. I’ve missed it and I’ve missed talking to you all, but after a break, I feel ready to come back, and it felt important that I shared this with all of you.

 

You are not alone.

I love you all,

Nic

 

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20 thoughts on “The things I haven’t told you yet…

  1. You had your first counciling in yr 6. It did start around 8-9 after auntie Maureen died and grandma. It was such a hard time but we all got through it always will be there for you! Live you lots jelly tots love you mamma G xxxx

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  2. Thank you, Nicola, for your candor. It takes courage to be honest about anxiety and OCD, especially when these occur in addition to a physical disability.
    You are not alone in your struggle. I don’t have OCD but I do have control and anxiety issues, and I think that’s more likely to manifest in people like us who are physically limited and want to feel safe and secure in our surroundings and activities. I can tell you that the support of friends and family does wonders to lessen these stressors, as does age and just a dash of bravery. It gets better, but you also have to work to make it better.
    Keep at it. It’s worth it!

    Alicia
    spashionista.com

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  3. Thank you for sharing this Nic! We have experienced our fair share of anxiety issues also (both mum and child with CP), and I am sure it is compounded by the situation as Alicia mentions above. Stressful lives, so many things to think about, and potential difficulties to avoid, etc etc. So far it hasn’t got quite to an OCD situation, but it is interesting to read the age of onset for you as this is about the same age we started seeing anxiety responses in our daughter. It can be very frustrating because people can misinterpret these responses and really don’t understand the whole picture. It is always good to know you are not alone ๐Ÿ™‚

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  4. You’re not alone Nicola ever, I know we haven’t been speaking long but I can relate to alot of what you’ve been through so I’m always here if you want to chat! x

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing Nicola. And I will reiterate that you are not alone, and by writing this you are helping others feel less alone….and that is such a gift. People forget the physical disabilities can also affect you mentally as well. My father would often talk about my ‘blue funks’ when I was younger. And CBT was brilliant at dealing with it personally. Keep going. Spring and the sun is nearly here! [And I’m sure you have considered this….but have you thought about a S.A.D lamp for the darker months? ] Take care of yourself xx

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  6. Hey Nicola
    Just wanted to say that, I totally relate to the not wanting to get out of bed and meet new people kind of depression. It just weighs you down and your mind starts to fabricate more and more reasons as to why you should keep feeling down and horrible about life in general. I’ve been there often. I just want to say that you’re not alone. Hugs

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