Tag: mental health

A ball of anxiety

I often find my anxiety is worse at night. It often kicks in just as I’m about to go to sleep.

Take now for example.  It’s about 12.30am on Sunday morning and I spent most of Saturday wandering around in a fog of tiredness with the worst neck ache I’ve had for a long time . I’ve spent most of the day counting down the minutes to bed time. Sleep should be easy but it won’t be.

The second I crawled under the duvet my brain started buzzing with anxious thoughts about all sorts of things like what I’m going to post on here this week,  the videos I need to edit and the fact I haven’t done any writing for a while.

Then of course I got anxious about the fact that I’m too anxious to sleep.

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I maaay have overdone it a bit

Do you ever have one of those days where you’re enjoying a book so much that you just drop everything for the rest of the day to finish it?

That was me earlier this week when reading Addition by Toni Jordon; a novel about a woman with OCD, which some of you may know is a topic close to my heart. (I also reviewed it over on my YouTube channel if you’re interested.)

Anyway, while the long day’s reading may have been good for my mood because I think I’m finally out of the massive reading reading slump I’ve been in, it probably  wasn’t so good for me on a cerebral palsy level.

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Rediscovering my motivation

It feels like things are changing here in NicLand, and that is most definitely a good thing.

It’s now been three years since I finished my multimedia journalism degree and a lot has happened to me since then. When I graduated I felt mentally and physically stronger than I had ever done. I could walk further and do more for myself than I had been able to in the past, and my anxiety and low moods weren’t impacting on me anywhere near as much as they had done when I was studying for my A-levels and in my first year at uni. Yes, I was scared about what the future might hold, but more than anything, I was excited.

Fast forward two years and the story became very different. Even though I’d done work experience, an internship and a bit of freelance work, I still hadn’t found a fulltime job. I wasn’t getting out much during the week because everyone around me had jobs, and that meant that I spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I spent far more time focusing on my worries, my anxieties and everything and my OCD-like thoughts about germs. I started showering up to three times a day and changing my clothes, worrying that they would have germs on them that would infect the house. I spent a lot of time crying and not a lot of time sleeping. To put it bluntly, I was a mess.

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