Tag: mental health

A letter to my bed

Dear Bed,

First of all I want to start this letter with an apology for all the times I snubbed you as a child and teenager, back when I used to think that sleep and going to bed was just something that kept me away from all the other things I was supposed to be doing. I never understood how people could sleep for 12 hours-straight.

Oh, how things have changed, especially over the last three years.

You see, I’ve gone from being that person I described above to being a person who loves her bed, and not just for the sleep either, even if six-hours a night became eight, then nine, and sometimes 12. Sometimes there are naps, too. Some of them I crave, others happen by accident. Sometimes I crawl into you with no intention of sleeping. Sometimes I just want the comfort of your sheets.

It is you I turn to on the days when the world feels hazy and hard and I want to put things on pause for a while. You are the vantage point that helps life seem manageable on days when I feel sadder than I can explain, or so anxious that moving requires more physical and mental energy than I can muster because my worries sap it all up.

I have done some of my best writing with you. I have done some of my worst writing with you.

I judge myself so very hard for the amount of time I spend in you now, and I don’t doubt that some others will too. I just wanted to say that I appreciate you now so much more than I ever thought I would.

Thank you for always being there for me.

Love,

Nic

Thank you so much

Hey guys,

I just wanted to write a thank you post to all of you for your lovely comments and messages of support on my last post, and on the YouTube video I’d made along the same lines about a week before.

I’ll admit that when I wrote my last post I was feeling really quite down and I did it mostly because I wanted to feel like I was doing something productive, even though I actually spent all of that day in my PJs, drifting in and out of sleep and watching anime. I wasn’t even going to post it, but my boyfriend said he thought I should. I’m really glad he encouraged me to do that.

Continue reading “Thank you so much” →

So many feelings

Those of you who subsrcibe to my YouTube might have seen a video I posted last week about an anxiety flare up I’ve been going through lately. I have so many anxious thoughts and feelings going on right now that I’m not really sure what to do about it or where I should start.

Up until January, I had been planning on reducing the dose of antidepressants that I take to help me manage my anxiety and low moods, but I had an appointment with my doctor yesterday and decided that I’d stay on my current dose for a little longer until I get over this little blip

Concetrating on pretty much anything has been a bit of a challenge this week. Even watching TV hasn’t been holding my attention too well. I have, somehow, been managing to read a lote more though, which is nice. I went through what I think was the biggest reading slump of my life last year so it’s nice that I’ve aleady polished off four so far this year (although I did start one of those in the last week of December).

I’m working on a few voluntary things at the moment, as well as looking for a full-time, paid job, undertaking a massive edit of one of my longer writing projects, updating this blog and making YouTube videos. I’m trying my best to keep busy. I like to think that even though I’m unemployed I work hard on other things that are important to me, but it doesn’t feel like I’m doing enough most of the time.

Do any of you have these feelings? How do you deal with them?

 

An emotional low

Over this past week or so I’ve hit a real emotion low and I don’t mind telling you that it’s been hard. Very hard.

There’s been a couple of things at play that have contributed to this. Some of it is thanks to the fact that I’m feeling quite hormonal (not that you wanted to know), but as I’ve also told you before, my cerebral palsy and my period do not get on. It makes my legs ache right down to the bones and during that time I also feeling a lot stiffer. That doesn’t exactly boost my mood either.

Other factors are that it feels like everyone around me is moving forward in their lives while I’m stuck. Job hunting is not going well, and the things I’m finding to apply for are either in areas that I can’t afford to live in, or are in areas that would possibly be too hard for me to live independently in geographically, because they’re very hilly or not easy to get around. I would probably still go for the jobs in these areas though and look into getting a powered wheelchair, although this isn’t really something I want to do. More on that in a separate post.

Continue reading “An emotional low” →