A little while ago, Norah, who also writes a blog, asked me if I would write a post about how it makes me feel when I know I have to accept help that I don’t want.
She asked me to do this a little while ago and one of the reasons that it’s taken me so long to get around to this (sorry, Norah), is that I had a really long think about the things I wanted to say.
For me, it’s not really a case of ‘not wanting’ help, and more a case of having occasions in life where I feel like I ‘shouldn’t need help and should be able to do these things for myself.’
You see, over the years I have made my peace with the fact that I need help with quite a few things to live my life to the full and do everything that I want or need to do with my life. It wasn’t an easy process and I was certainly more stubborn about these things when I was a teenager, but now I view accepting help as a way to make it easier to do as much as I can for myself. Well, most of the time.
But when it comes to the ‘little things’ like tying my own shoelaces, putting my splints on, and up until recently, being able to tie my own hair back (the latter of which I can do now, by the way,) I always feel bad knowing that I need help to do these things. They’re little things that make a huge difference to me when someone lends me a hand with them, but all these ‘little things’ means that people take time out of their day to help me.
Knowing this doesn’t make me feel angry or sad that I need assistance with these things, but it always makes me feel a little bit guilty. The simpler the task is for the person helping me, the more I feel like I should be able to do these things for myself, and that always makes me feel a bit guilty that I can’t.
That said, I always accept the help because I need it, but I always try to get better at these things for myself too.