Today is the fourth bad cerebral palsy day I’ve had in a row. I am sore, I am grumpy and I am tired. And, I’ll admit it, I’d kinda forgotten just how draining it is to have increased pain levels over ‘prolonged’ period of time.
I’ve had far more than four bad CP days in a row before, so this technically isn’t anything new. I should be a pro at dealing with this now. I’m 29 and I’ve had my impairment all my life after all. I’ve learned many, many life-hacks to make day to day living easier over the years, and I’ve learned ways of managing my pain to keep it a low-level as possible. But I’ve learned something else too: sometimes my pain is going to spiral and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just have to ride the wave and get through it as best I can.
A few years ago it felt all my posts on this blog were about stints of intense days that I couldn’t seem to get a grip on. They were so mentally and physically draining that I spent most of them crashed out on the sofa watching endless episodes of Gossip Girl because that seemed to be the only thing I could concentrate on.
I woke up expecting every day to be the same, if not worse, than the last one and I went to bed expecting the act of trying to get to sleep to be a nightmare in itself. At the risk of sounding like I’m in a work meeting (sorry to any of my colleagues reading this) I found a sort of battle rhythm and got through it as best I could.
The thing is, when you’re not in the cycle, that rhythm, that never-ending fog of only ever being half-present because all you can think is ‘this hurts, this hurts, this hurts’, you forget what it’s like. You forget what all your distraction techniques are to take your mind off it, your forget what that one sitting position that gave you five minutes of comfort was, and you sometimes even forget how low it can make you feel.
Every time you (or at least I) swear that you won’t forget this time. How could you possibly forget feeling like this, anyway? How can you possibly remember anything else from that time period other than wanting it to end? But you (or at least I) do. I forget every time, and I always forget just how quickly I forget too. Within a matter of days the relief that it seems to all be over for now wears off and you put the memories to the back of your mind and deal with all the things that the pain put on hold.
You forget because you have to, because you’re desperate too, and because it’s just so amazing to finally be able to thing about something – anything – else again.
Then, when the next wave comes I (and maybe you, too) feel a little bit guilty that I let myself forget so easily. I forget the crappy bits and just choose to remember that I enjoyed watching 42,000 hours of Gossip Girl far more than I would care to admit. And yes, sometimes I even think about how grateful I am that the show exists to keep me company on days like that. I’m genuinely not sure how I would have got through that rough patch a few years ago without it.
And so today, on bad cerebral palsy day number four, I had a hot shower, put on my uncomfortable-but-useful orthopaedic shorts, and watched Gossip Girl, Because even through all the pain, sleep deprivation and the massive mental health crash that came with it, I’ve somehow managed to remember that Gossip Girl is what got me through.
Let’s hope it does again