Feeling sorry for myself

Yup, today has been all about me throwing myself a massive pity party. I know I shouldn’t but I am, and even though the only thing I hate more than feeling like this is admitting to anyone that I’m feeling like this, I’m going to tell you about it anyway. There’s no point in me writing a blog about my life with cerebral palsy if I’m not going to be open and honest about the rubbish bits, is there?

It started as just a bad mood. Well, less of a bad mood and more of a difficult depression kind of day – I can tell the difference, because, on difficult depression days, the thought of getting dressed makes me want to cry. Today was one of those. Nonetheless, I managed to pull on some jeans and an over-sized jumper and go pick up my new glasses.

Then my old friend, Mystery Hip Pain kicked in. And it kicked in hard. I’ve had pins and needles in my hip almost constantly from then on and sitting still is hard because getting comfy is pretty much impossible.

If this carries on for more than a couple of days I know that the best thing to do will be to ask to go back to my acupuncturist. She’s amazing at getting the pain to go away again, but I’m always aware of the fact that it’s only about two months since I was last discharged for her service and I’ll feel like I’m being greedy and having more than my fair share of appointments. I know that this shouldn’t even enter my head, but it’s hard not to think about in when everywhere you turn people are talking about how strained the NHS is.

And now I have backache too. Pfft.

NHS Appointment-related guilt

Yesterday I uploaded this cerebral palsy update video on my YouTube channel. In it I talked about how I’d fallen over onto my hip that always had The Mystery Hip Pain (TMHP). TMHP had gone after some acupuncture appointments, but now it’s back and  I’m faced with a dilemma – do I ask for more acupuncture?

It might sound like a no-brainer. It seems like the obvious thing to do, doesn’t it? Let’s nip it in the bud now and then we can all move on. I know that it makes perfect sense. I just feel so guilty about it.

It’s only been a couple of months since I was actually discharged. And yes, I know my acupuncturist told me to ask for a referral before things got really bad, but it’s just so soon after the last lot. If I go back now I’ll feel like I’m being greedy and taking more than my fair share of appointments – especially as I get them on the NHS.

But then I know that they’ll be a waiting list and God knows how long my name will be on that  before I actually find myself back at the hospital getting needles stuck in me again. It could be weeks or it could be months. Who knows what  TMHP will be like by then?

The problem is that I know I’ll feel psychologically a lot better about it if I hag on another month, even if that might make me feel physically worse. I know what I should do, but I also know what I wanted to do, too.