I miss writing

It’s 4am and I’m lying awake thinking about how much I miss writing. I have so many ideas but no creative energy left at the end of the day to act on them, leaving me with an uncomfortable blockage that right now feels impossible to shift. The only reason the words are coming out now is because I know there’s no chance of me getting back to sleep until they do.

This whole needing to manage my energy levels thing is new to me. People often assume that my cerebral palsy makes me tire easily, and while that’s true when I’m physically active, it’s not the case with my mental or creative energy.

Before I started working full time, I never really considered that a desk job would be physically demanding for me. I do after all, spend the entire day sitting at my desk typing. I guess I never really noticed how hard forcing my body to sit in one chair in one position for hours would be because, when I’m at home, I sprawl out, move around, and spend (probably too much) time lying flat on the floor.

My employers are great and let me work from home when I need to but I like to be in the office as much as possible, although I do ask for home days when I need them. I don’t like it, but I’m learning to accept it.

I feel like I’m having to fight against a lot more muscle spasms these days, and not just at Work, but at home and when I’m home too. At least, I think that’s what they are. My whole body feels wound too tightly and I can only take it for so long before I need to ‘spring’ and sitting still becomes almost impossible and too uncomfortable to bear.

This is new to me. Does it happen to any of you? If it does please let me know.

Anyway, I’ve just noticed that it’s turned light outside so I’d better try squeeze in some more sleep.

If you’re still reading This, thank you for giving me a reason to write and a space to clear my head a bit.

 

Love,

 

Nic x

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2 thoughts on “I miss writing

  1. Nic, I know precisely what you mean , it’s a constipation of creative energy, partly due to your changed physical routines with the work environment and the time daily work takes up, and partly the lack of mental strength to purge out the creative juice, to get it on paper or screen.
    With the constraints of my current problem, I just can’t be arsed to do the graft of getting the kernel of a poem onto paper. Believe it or not, I’m actually enjoying Sarah’s poetry workshops for the environment of ‘get it on the paper first, fuss about the detail later’.
    Stick with it Babe, you know we’re with you. Allan

    Like

    1. I’m glad you’re enjoying the workshops! I always feel really out of place at that kind of thing, I don’t know why. I like writing groups though, I think because there’s no teacher maybe?

      Like

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