Riding the merry-go-round

The thing about my Cerebral Palsy is that it sometimes makes me feel a bit like I’m riding  merry-go-round, but not one that goes at a steady pace and plays soothing music; one that goes far too fast and shakes you right down to the bones.

I feel like this blog has lost its positive attitude of late. I haven’t been writing about ‘fun’ topics. I feel like I haven’t said anything that might make you all smile for a couple of weeks now. Sorry about that, but when I started this blog I wanted it to be as honest as I could about my life with my disability, and that means that I have to talk about this stuff whether I like it or not. I don’t, as it happens, but I think you probably knew that already.

You see, I feel like I’ve been riding the merry-go-round lately. This happens sometimes. I get into a cycle where things don’t feel like they’re going great for me from a CP point of view, and I  just have to wait and ride it out until it’s my turn to get off again and things can get back to ‘normal,’ (don’t you just hate that word?), and I start to feel better both physically and emotionally.

It started a couple of weeks ago when I started having pains in my hip and I had to face up to the fact that I’ve been letting my physio slip. This week it’s my back that’s decided it’s going to hurt. Next week, my shoulders might well decide that it’s their turn to play up. Then again, they might not. It might be a different set of muscles or body parts, or I might feel fine, who knows?

Round and round I’ll have to go.

Round and round I will go, moving from physio and stretches to putting wheatbags on the sore area, all the while I will be continually asking myself what I might have done that’s caused this aches and pains. I’ll tell myself it’s not my fault, I’ll tell myself it is. If I can’t fix it, I’ll beat myself up over it. I’ll tell myself off for not having the answers even though I’m not a physio and no one expects me to have all the answers. Yet,  somehow, I expect myself to. I feel like I’ve been going through these cycles for so long and I should be able to stop them, but I  can’t. Maybe I’ll never learn how.

I’ll toy with the idea of asking for an appointment with my physio countless times, but I always feel guilty about asking for one. What if things aren’t as ‘bad’ as I think they are? What if I’m taking away a slot from someone who needs it more?

Around and around I’ll go, until things stop aching.




9 thoughts on “Riding the merry-go-round

  1. Merry go round is a great way to describe the way us cp-ers get!!
    I feel exactly the same… I have good cp days, bad cp days and down right funny cp days!!! The good days are usually followed by two bad cp days where somewhere along the line something that I just have to laugh at happens, such as falling over fresh air for no good reason except my body decides the floor or the dog (who’s just laying there minding his own business) needs a hug!!!
    I tell myself and anyone else it’s just part of having cp, I try not to let it get me down (it’s hard not too – I’m sure you’ll agree)


    1. I’m glad you understand what I mean. I was worried people might not but I think being able laugh is important.

      I hope you’re dog doesn’t mind when he gets an impromptu hug. What breed is he?

      I almost stood on my dad’s little kitten the other day. She’s only about 10 weeks old. She put her paws under my feet where they don’t go flat to the floor and started tickling them! It’s a good job I was holding onto the worktop or I’d have fallen over!


      1. He doesn’t seem to mind…. He’s a springer spaniel, so he’s quite robust and moves pretty quick!! I think he’s used to it because he’s very bouncy and boisterous and is always getting tripped over or trodden on when he gets in the way….. Oh I’m not keen on cats…. they always seem to get round your feet!!!


      2. Aw bless him. Sounds like you have one very patient doggie. I’m a definate cat person but if a dog is friendly I don’t mind them. I doubt I’d be able to walk one though.


  2. He’s pretty patient… he thinks life’s one big game!!! I wish I had his enthusiasm and energy!!!! I can’t walk him, he’s too strong and can pull me over, once he’s off his lead I can deal with him as long as I have a tennis ball to keep his attention….


    1. I know what you mean about the energy thing. That’s what I love about animals. That and doggs and cats have a habit of sitting of my feet which keeps them warm!


  3. I am sorry that you have these bouts of pain to deal with Nic. It is not me with CP, but as a Mum, I have similar thoughts with regard to my child – guilt of letting things slip at times, thinking of all the things you “should” be doing (but it is an impossible regime to keep up really). I guess what people don’t realise is this is “long term”. Its not just for a few years and it all goes away. I imagine it must get you down or frustrated at times. One good tip I have learned from a great teacher, is to do certain “must do” exercises/stretches at specific times of the day eg – at the moment for me I am doing core strengthening exercises to help with manual handling every time I use the microwave! Another is every time you watch a certain show for example do a sitting stretch or whatever. Another good time is in the bathroom. Hope it helps, but we find there are so many different things to work on and each one affects another. It is hard to fit it all in 🙂


    1. That’s a really good idea 🙂 I might try starting to do that and see if that helps me.

      It’s hard to keep up the regime all the time – life happens – but every little helps 🙂


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