The thing about my Cerebral Palsy is that it sometimes makes me feel a bit like I’m riding merry-go-round, but not one that goes at a steady pace and plays soothing music; one that goes far too fast and shakes you right down to the bones.
I feel like this blog has lost its positive attitude of late. I haven’t been writing about ‘fun’ topics. I feel like I haven’t said anything that might make you all smile for a couple of weeks now. Sorry about that, but when I started this blog I wanted it to be as honest as I could about my life with my disability, and that means that I have to talk about this stuff whether I like it or not. I don’t, as it happens, but I think you probably knew that already.
You see, I feel like I’ve been riding the merry-go-round lately. This happens sometimes. I get into a cycle where things don’t feel like they’re going great for me from a CP point of view, and I just have to wait and ride it out until it’s my turn to get off again and things can get back to ‘normal,’ (don’t you just hate that word?), and I start to feel better both physically and emotionally.
It started a couple of weeks ago when I started having pains in my hip and I had to face up to the fact that I’ve been letting my physio slip. This week it’s my back that’s decided it’s going to hurt. Next week, my shoulders might well decide that it’s their turn to play up. Then again, they might not. It might be a different set of muscles or body parts, or I might feel fine, who knows?
Round and round I’ll have to go.
Round and round I will go, moving from physio and stretches to putting wheatbags on the sore area, all the while I will be continually asking myself what I might have done that’s caused this aches and pains. I’ll tell myself it’s not my fault, I’ll tell myself it is. If I can’t fix it, I’ll beat myself up over it. I’ll tell myself off for not having the answers even though I’m not a physio and no one expects me to have all the answers. Yet, somehow, I expect myself to. I feel like I’ve been going through these cycles for so long and I should be able to stop them, but I can’t. Maybe I’ll never learn how.
I’ll toy with the idea of asking for an appointment with my physio countless times, but I always feel guilty about asking for one. What if things aren’t as ‘bad’ as I think they are? What if I’m taking away a slot from someone who needs it more?
Around and around I’ll go, until things stop aching.