When I started View From a Walking Frame it very quickly became a place for me to be positive about all the improvements that I make and all the achievements that I have in life that relate to my Cerebral Palsy. Don’t get me wrong, I know that I’ve done my fair share of ranting and complaining, but on the whole I like to be as upbeat about my CP as I can.
However, there are times when it gets harder to keep looking on the bright side. As much as I hate having to think of those times, and write about them for you all to see, I feel like I should. As much as I want this blog to be about celebrating all that I can do and less about dwelling on the tough stuff, I also want it to be honest.
The thing is that sometimes I personally feel a lot of pressure when it comes to my disability. Before I go any further with this post, let me state that I am the only person who puts this pressure on myself. It is mine and mine alone. It doesn’t come from my parents or anyone else.
All throughout my life, people have put in so much work to help me become the person that I am today, and without even one of those people, I don’t think I’d be able to do all the things I can. I am grateful to every last one of them, but I’m sure you knew that already.
As I’ve grown older, I’ve started to realise just how much they’ve done, especially my parents. I don’t think I’ll ever understand all of it, no matter how hard I try. Now I do a lot of the stuff for myself, or I have a greater understanding of why these people keep doing these things that help, I sometimes feel, (well okay I always feel), like I have to keep pushing so that their hard work doesn’t end up being wasted, and so that I can make them proud. I feel like it’s my way of showing them how much I value their hard work and support.
Sometimes, I try an old exercise that I used to be able to do with relative ease, or think back to something I used to be able to do as a kid, and I find that it’s really, really hard. This can make me feel crushed. No matter how many times I feel like that, it doesn’t get easier.
Yes, you could say that they only person I should want to impress is myself, and believe me, I do. I really, really do. I want to do all of this stuff for myself more than for anybody else, and sometimes that’s the hardest part. I want to be able to keep walking and living my life the way I do for as long as possible. That makes me feel pressured sometimes. That’s the thing that I want most of all, but I know I can’t ever take it for granted and I’ll always have to work at it for the rest of my life.
Don’t get me wrong, most of the time I don’t feel pressure at all and just focus on working hard and enjoying life, but some days, it’s there, and I don’t necessarily think it’s a bad thing. It helps me to keep going after all.