So tired I could cry

I am writing this post at lunchtime on Friday and I am so tired I could cry. It sounds petty I know. I also know that Friday’s are usually for Fun Fact Friday posts but this one feels more important today.

The thing is, I’ve been trying really, really hard not to go back to sleep pretty much since I woke up, but I think I may have to admit defeat and just nap.

As you probably know by now, I nap a lot these days, and I feel very, very guilty about it. I don’t want to have a snooze but I don’t think I’ll be able to concentrate of anything else until I do. Pretty much the only thoughts going around my mind now are: sleep, and Nic, you have really bad backache right now, you know you like to lay down and stretch out when you have backache.

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Snow, sleep and sweet treats

Today has been an odd one, well so far anyway. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am most definitely not a morning person. I used to be, in fact, I think I was a pretty much any kind of day person. I hardly slept.

This morning was a totally different story. I woke up feeling unrested and with a cold that’s only in the early stages of its onset. I hope it stays that way. When I went downstairs only to be informed by my sister that it was snowing, my mood didn’t improve.

I’d originally planned a trip out with a friend today, funnily enough to pick up my new blue badge that will allow me to use disabled parking spaces, but after much deliberation and watching the snow stop and start all morning, we decided not to risk it.

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Can I ask you something?

Guys, can I be honest with you: I am tired, physically and emotionally. In fact, I am beyond tired and I don’t like it.

Over the last couple of weeks, I’ve been getting a lot more aches and pains that normal, especially for this time of year. These things are usually worse in the winter when it’s cold, but the UK has been having some lovely warm weather lately. When this happens, I try and spend as little time in the house as possible, but not this time. I’ve had no energy what so ever lately. The majority of my days are punctuated with naps, and some times more than one a day.

I want to be in the sunlight, but the thought of moving more than necessary makes me want to weep. I have an errand that I’ve been meaning to run all week, but I just can’t face it. My first thought when I wake up in the morning is “everything aches”. My Cerebral Palsy is on my mind far more than I would like these days. It feels like it’s trying to show me who’s boss, and what’s worse is that, right now, it’s like it’s winning. I want to fight but I just can’t seem to.

This is not like me. I think anyone whose been reading this blog a while could tell you that. I know they’re tonnes of people who are far worse off than me, but I feel like I need to tell you all that it’s getting me down.

Does that make me weak?

Does that make me ungrateful?

Does that make me even weaker?

I keep thinking about booking myself in for a massage or something, but I’ve never been for one before, and part of me doesn’t like the idea of going for one. I’m not entirely sure why this is. Maybe it’s because  it will mean that by doing that I have to face up to what’s going on? Maybe it’s because another person will then feel the tightness in my muscles? That’s an unsettling thought.

Do you guys go through phases like this? How do you deal with them?


In need of a rest

Anyone who knows me well will tell you I’m not much of a sleeper and never really have been, not even as a baby. I’m the kind of person who is usually at their most productive first thing in the morning. I like to get up early so that I can start crossing things off my to-do list as soon as possible.

However, just lately I think my body has been asking me to slow down and rest up a little. I’m far more sleepy than normal, and I’ve noticed it having an impact. Over the last couple of weeks walking has been taking me a lot more effort than normal. I think that I’ve been moving slower too and needing to take far more rest breaks than I would usually. I know that I am lucky to be able to do all of the things that I can do, but sometimes it’s hard not to get frustrated at myself when I can tell I’m not doing as well as normal.

I’m still trying to make sure that I keep up with walking and just take as many breaks as I need to. I’m hoping that if I try and not push myself too hard over the next week or so and get plenty of sleep it should pass and then things can get back to normal.  It’s times like these that the seat on the back of my walking frame comes in very handy.