Do I seem anxious to you?

“You’re not anxious, are you? You always seem quite confident.”

My jaw must’ve hit the floor, “Oh, yeah,” I replied, trying not to laugh, as I often do when I’m shocked. “I’ve had anxiety for years, I just manage it with drugs and therapy.”

This is a genuine conversation I had with someone this week after I mentioned something triggering my anxiety. I wish I could remember what I’d actually said. I’m pretty sure I only meant for it to be a passing comment, but the person I was talking to seemed genuinely surprised by it.  In the end, I’m not sure which one of us was the most shocked; them in learning that I have anxiety, or me in learning that I’m managing to control my current ‘wobble’ well enough for it to not obvious.

Admittedly, this person has only known me for a couple of months, and hasn’t yet seen me when I turn into a fidgety, muttering mess who can’t stop washing her hands and has to ask someone ‘will [insert current worry] be all right?’ more often than a two year-old asks ‘why?’.

There’s no shame in being so anxious that it stands out more than my electric blue walking frame, but it was reassuring to know that, even though I feel like I’m slipping downhill a little bit at the moment, it clearly can’t be as bad I was starting to think it might be. It would have been impossible for me to relax at all a years ago, and I couldn’t help but outwardly show how I was feeling. This, of course, made everything worse. It led my family shouting at me in public out of frustration, and me not being able to see my friends without texting them afterwards to apologise, even none of us were sure what I was apologising for.

I’d spent most of the weekend prior to this conversation either in bed with the duvet over my head hoping the world would go away, or reading aloud to myself in an effort to stop myself falling into worry-cycle. It must have done me some good, I guess.

Even though it wasn’t meant as one, I can’t help but take this person’s surprise as a huge compliment. I take this to mean that, even on days when I’m feeling ‘worse’ than normal, my self-care routine and day-to-day coping strategies are helping.

There was a time when I was genuinely concerned I’d never manage to control my worrying and hand-washing ever again, but clearly I can.

I came back from my lowest place, and knowing that is the biggest confidence-booster of all.

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