The last couple of weeks have been really, really busy here for me, and yet somehow it’s all starting to feel a bit much.
I shouldn’t really say things like that. I’m currently jobless, and have been for most of the last three years, live at home with mum still, and don’t have any children to look after. In many ways, a lot people would say that I’m carefree, but it doesn’t always feel that way.
I live in a constant state of anxiety that people will think I’m lazy or ungrateful, so I try and keep myself as busy as possible by working on three novels, trying to upload at least one video a week to my YouTube channel and at least three posts to this blog. I love doing all of these things and don’t intend to stop doing them, but things have been busy the last few days and I’ve fallen behind on my own schedule. You guys probably didn’t notice, but I did, and I feel very, very bad about it.
As some of you may already know, I’ve spent the last 14months or so taking antidepressants to help with low mood, anxiety and that I guess you could call my OCD like tendencies, which, when are their worst and see me changing my outfit and showering several times a day because I get so worried about germs.
While I think the latter has been fairly under control lately, my mood has been slowly plummeting and my anxiety levels are on the rise again. This bank holiday weekend, I did something I try not to duo and cancelled all my plans on Monday because I couldn’t face it. I wanted to upload a blog post because the only thing that I could think of writing was “Guys, I feel like sh*t” and I didn’t think you really wanted to read that. In fact, I’ll be surprised if you’ve read this post this far.
However, today I’ve decided that it’s time to try and pick myself back up. I’ve made an appointment with the Doctor to fill him in and maybe look at reviewing my meds too. If I’m honest, there’s a part of me that isn’t really sure why I’m writing all of this, and there’s a part of me that knows I’m doing this because I want to be honest with all of you about what’s going on, and also I think because it’s helping me be honest with myself about how I’ve been feeling and coping lately.
Today is a new day. I’ve swapped my pyjamas for a pretty dress and I’m going to attempt to make myself feel a bit more presentable.
I will not let this weigh me down.