As much as I hate to say this, I think it’s time that I sat myself down and gave myself a good talking to.
My left hip kept bothering me again last night, and my left ankle has been feeling tighter than usual for a few weeks now. I know that this i partly my own fault. Because of my Cerebral Palsy I have aches and pains every day. Most of the time, they don’t bother me too much, but every so often they get more severe for various reasons. The fact that I haven’t been keeping up with my physio as much as I should. or wearing my night splints as often as I’m supposed to lately definitely doesn’t help. I know that.
The thing is, when the pains get worse and I notice that my muscles are feeling stiffer than normal it upsets me, and I spend the first couple of weeks of the process telling myself that it will pass on it’s own and bury my head in the sand. It’s never easy for me to admit that I’ve been letting myself down by not doing the things I need to do to keep myself as mobile and pain free as possible. I know it sounds like something I should do readily and without question, but when I consider the fact that I have CP to be such a small part of who I am as a person, doing all the physio and the stretches isn’t always at the forefront of my mind. Not until the pain hits, anyway.
Then, when I do notice that I’ve started to let things go and the impact that it’s having on me; it hurts. Not just physically but emotionally too. It’s a reminder that there will be times when my disability has a larger impact on my life and my body than I would like, and that I will always have to work to keep them at bay as much as possible.
When I was little doing lots of work on standing up straight, my family would tell me that I had to work really hard at pushing my knees back because that would help me push any operations back that I might need when I was older, for as long as long as possible. I knew lots of people with Cerebral Palsy who were having them or had already had some and I didn’t want to have any if I could help it. When I notice things tightening up or hurting more I’m reminded that I’ll never be able to stop that big push.
I know as I get older there are things that I can do now that I won’t be able to in the future, that happens to everyone, disability or, not, I know that. However, on days like today I’m all too aware that it could happen faster and sooner than I would like if I’m not careful. It could even happen without me really noticing if I don’t pay enough attention to my physio, and that is hardest thing to deal with of them all.
All I can say is, that I am Nic, and yes I have CP, and I may not always push a hard as I can, but I will not give up entirely. Not now, and hopefully not ever.