You may or may not know that I’ve been attending creative writing classes for the last few weeks. Last week’s homework (the topic I chose to do anyway), was to write about an event in the first person but to use the word ‘I’ only twice. After the vlog that I posted last week about how I see myself in my head and how I look when I see myself in a my reflection, I decided to write about looking in the mirror.
I’d like to share what I wrote with you.
Looking in the mirror is a very strange experience for me. It forces me to confront the impact that Cerebral Palsy has on my body, and that is not always an easy thing to deal with.
Although I would not swap my disability for the world and consider it to only be a side-note in my life, it means that the person who stares back at me in my reflection is not the woman my mind’s eye expects to see.
While my imagination likes to pretend the girl others meet stands and sits up straight with half-decent posture and a left arm that doesn’t naturally sit in a curled up position that is not the case. Staying away from reflective surfaces means my brain can keep pushing my disability to the back of my mind and focus on living my life to the full and gloss over the fact it might come up against limitations from to time. It that dominated my thoughts, what would be the point in trying anything?
Dancing is a favorite pass time of mine, during which my eyes often stay closed and my sub conscious conjures up images of the moves my body would love to make, if only my Cerebral Palsy would allow it. Alas, it does not, but that’s a moot point, if you ask me. Seeing myself as others see me does not upset me, but instead it makes me angry that my CP plays a far bigger role in my life than I would like to admit. You can call me disillusioned if you’d like, but my word of choice is indifferent, both towards my disability and the limitations it tries to impose on me.
No matter how hard it fights against me, it will never win. This girl will keep on dancing, not matter how it looks. She will use her body with pride because she loves it. As far as my self-image is concerned, there is no CP most of the time, just a girl who likes to throw herself into, and considers herself to be just as good (or bad) at dancing as everyone else.